Inside my broken mind

This last week has been hell and I have no idea why. You know there is the common misconception that if you are depressed there must be a reason right? I mean you can’t just be sad for no reason at all can you? But, Unfortunately, yes you can.

My protector

Disclaimer: I wrote this as a coping strategy to help me through my day. I want to clearly state that I am safe and andrew and I have action plans in place for when I am not. I do not need to have a welfare check or be admitted to behavioral health. I will repeat. I am safe. Andrew is a pretty good protector. That being said this is dark. I am still posting it because a good friend reminded me that this blog is about my life and I try to be real as much as I can. With that said,  If you are not in a good place I recommend skipping this blog. If you are curious as to what chronic depression is really like, raw and unfiltered, please continue reading. Also sorry for lack of photos. I wrote this on my phone and pasting photos was difficult.

Anyway.

There are two different types of common depression. One is situational and one is chemical. Situational is pretty easy to explain, you lose a job or a loved one or school isn’t going well and that equals to a sad. Everyone at some point in their life will experience situational depression and probably even situational anxiety too. But chemical depression? That isn’t so clear cut. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain and It’s like everything you see and do is warped from reality.

Cute Bella picture before jumping down the rabbit hole

There is only one good way to demonstrate this and that is by going inside my thoughts.

Let’s begin.

Life is great, right? Things are going good? Yep. You have absolutely nothing to be upset about. Yep that’s true. But wait. Was that disgust in her face when I said hello? No. I imagined that. Hmm, This person hasn’t responded to my email in an hour, are they mad at me? Surely I must have done something wrong? No they are probably in a meeting. Hey, my friend just texted me, They sound mad. Let me re read that text I sent a while ago to them. Does that sound bad? They must be mad. No, I am being ridiculous, it’s fine. Everything is A O K.

But wait. No it’s not. Something is terribly wrong. My chest hurts and I’m so distraught but why? Why do I feel like this? Did something bad happen? No? Something bad must be happening. It’s hard to breathe and my head is heavy. What is going on. I don’t know. I don’t know I just don’t know but I can’t breathe and now I’m crying and I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m crying because I am sad. But why am I sad? I don’t know.

No! Don’t do that! Dont touch me! What do you mean you are just trying to comfort me. Don’t! Stop! I’m going to yell and scream and lash out because surely there must be something wrong! You can’t just feel this way over nothing. It’s nothing there is nothing wrong. Go away! I can’t handle this. I am not okay. None of this is okay. Maybe if I hide in this corner the dark thoughts will go away.

I can’t be around people because it’s just too much and they are judging me. Did you see that look? That was judgment, what did I do? It’s because I’m worthless. I’m so worthless and I am so mean. I just yelled at my husband for no reason. Why did I yell at him? Surely I yelled because something is wrong but what is wrong? I don’t know. Wait yes I do know, Everything is wrong.

My chest hurts. My heart literally hurts. My heart feels like it’s beating slower. Its like I’m drowning and I’m sinking. Colors aren’t as bright anymore. they are so sad. I am so sad. I can’t explain this. I’m spiraling out of control. I am so broken that I feel this way I am just so broken. Maybe if this is how I make myself feel surely this is how I make others feel. I just bring everyone down and I make things worse. If I talk about it then I make people sad. I don’t want to make people sad. I want to make them happy.

And then that little voice in my head starts. It’s a monster and It tells me: they will be happy when you are gone. That will make them happy.

I try to fight! I tell the monster no! Because People will be sad they will miss me!

The monster doesn’t stop it says No, this is the only way to make them all happy. It is. The. Only. Way.

The voice gets louder. End it, just end your suffering and end theirs. They will be happier with out you.

My voice gets smaller. But everything is okay! I am happy? Aren’t I? Why am I not happy? My life is good. I have a job and a happy family and an amazing husband. WHY AM I NOT HAPPY?!

The monster tells me I’m broken. It tells me I am not happy. I will never be happy. I make others lives worse. It’s selfish existing in this thing I call life. I am taking up space and time and money and surely they will be better without me. Other people tell me the monster is lying but he is so loud. He must be telling the truth. What he says makes sense. Doesn’t it?

I don’t know. I don’t know what way is up and what way is down and I don’t know if that is my voice or the monsters and it’s getting to hard to tell the difference. But it makes sense to me. I am broken and I just make things worse.

I struggle. I try to fight it. Some days are hard. Today is hard. My head hurts and my eyes are foggy and I just want to sleep. Maybe if I sleep the monster will go away. Maybe. I will just go to bed and try again tomorrow. for now I will sleep so I can fight it again tomorrow.

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4 thoughts on “Inside my broken mind

  1. The voice in your head must be in cahoots with the voice in my head. Maybe they went to the same school. I can relate to everything you wrote. I hope you are hugging your dog often! Thank you for writing this. It helped me.

  2. Keep fighting, Val. When you share your story you help so many others know they aren’t alone. We love you!

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