It’s August and as most of my followers know, August is never a good month for me. I’ve debated what to write for a few days now. Do I write the nitty-gritty and personal so people see what it’s like, or do I sugar coat it so people don’t get upset reading it? I’ve decided to do a mix of both. I want to write a quick disclaimer first, I am working closely with my medical team and family so I am safe. I don’t want anyone to read this and worry about my safety. Secondly I will be talking about suicide so this is a trigger warning to some of my friends. And Third, per usual, I am not looking for sympathy, I am hoping to help others reach understanding. So here it goes.
It’s been three years since I decided to go off my medication. Three years since I hoarded pain pills and muscle relaxers and wrote a letter to my family. It’s been 3 years since I planned my suicide. I would like to be able to say that it has been 3 years since I had suicidal thoughts, but that’s not true, I still have them frequently, I always will. Earlier, I posted an article about passive suicidal thoughts and it’s what led me to write this. People always seem to think that if a person gets put on medication and goes to therapy or has a service dog, that magically they are fixed. I wish that was the case, and I know my family does too.
But here is the harsh reality, Depression never leaves you. Anxiety, Panic, Bipolar and Borderline Never leave you. They hang out and ebb and flow like the oceans tide. Sometimes you can see ground and other times you feel like your drowning. All of the treatments can help, they act like a buoy that can help keep your head above water, but sometimes you slip. Sometimes the fighting and the swimming gets so tiring that you just want to stop fighting. There are days that I am so tired of living this way. I have mental illness and chronic pain issues, I never “feel good”. Some days are better than others and some I lay in bed unable to get out of my covers because it’s just safer and less tiring to stay in bed.
Right now I am exhausted, but I continue to fight. Luckily I have people willing to hold me up sometimes. It’s hard to talk to someone when they say they think about suicide, but somehow, I have found amazing friends and family that listen even when it is hard. This week I think I have told 5 people how tired I am, but each and every one is supportive and there, whether it is to listen, give advice, or just hold me tight when all my pieces are falling apart.
I have also come to terms with the fact that life is hard enough as is so being sick makes it harder. I have found role models who don’t let their limitations or illness change them and it has inspired me to help others too. I found out some doctors are stupid and others are brilliant, and that having a good medical team makes life better. Best of all, I found out that no matter how broken I feel, I am still loved and worth keeping around. That it is okay to be sad and sick as long as you love the good days too and man have I had good days.
It’s been three years since I planned my suicide, and in those three years I learned something I didn’t know how to do, I learned how to truly live. Maybe it’s the residual effects of being sick, but I take huge risks now. In the last 3 years, I have lived on my own, I got a service dog, I met two incredibly strong women that I call my therapists. I worked an amazing job and I left that amazing job to move and get a new really fantastic job. I met my now husband, I gave him a chance even when everything in me said run and save this amazing man the trouble of living with me, a broken person. I found out that, that incredible man would show me love in a way I had never known and will never end. I connected with old friends and gained new ones. I found out what it means to be a family and that one of the best parts of getting married is that you get more family. I found out that another set of parents and siblings could love me like their own. I realized that the love of my family is endless. No matter what happens I can count on my parents and my brother and sister-in-law and countless others. I got engaged, bought a house, got married, got another dog and got even had a huge wedding I never thought I would have to a man who holds my heart. Most importantly I have learned how to love myself.
It has been three years since I planned my suicide and I plan on adding a number to that every year, because I have never felt more like living then I do now.